Wednesday, 4 March 2015

BODY WORK - Page One In Colour!

Here's a little something to whet your appitite.

Artist: Lee Sullivan
Colourist: Luis Gerrero
Publisher: Titan Comics

Saturday, 3 January 2015

Even More Useful Stuff

Even More Useful Stuff

Some people like to have sex in the open air, some people like to watch other people having sex in the open air, fortunately some people like to have people watch them while they have sex in the open air. The term used to describe these activities in the UK is 'dogging' as in "I was out dogging last night."  There are websites and other forms of social networking to allow people to arrange hook ups but for many this lacks the exciting randomness of just turning up at a dogging location and seeing what happens.

Ford Asbo
Is Peter's nickname for his, currently second, Ford Focus ST - the term originates with Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's review of the Focus ST which can be found here.

Fry Up
Otherwise known as the traditional English Breakfast and the opposite of a Continental Breakfast(1). It usually involves a combination of three or more of the following - eggs (fried, scrambled or omelet), bacon, sausage, baked beans, black pudding(2), liver, bubble and squeak(3), onions, mushrooms, chips(4), toast or fried slice(5).

The full expression of this culinary cornucopia can usually be found in two locations, mid-level hotels or a traditional greasy spoon cafe. A proper English person upon moving into a new area will always seek to locate a suitable greasy spoon for those mornings when you just got to eat right no matter what your partner, dietitian or cardiologist says.

(1) Hotels would love to switch to offering just a continental breakfast because it's much easier to arrange a couple of croissants, some fruit and a selection of jams than the wonderful artery clogging panoply of the traditional breakfast,

(2) A blood sausage made from oatmeal and pork blood.

(3) Are you sure you want to know? Okay it's basically a dish designed to recycle leftover vegetables from a big roast beef dinner. So you get yesterday's potatoes, brussel sprouts, cabbages, peas and anything else you might have lying around - and then you fry them until they're a nice crispy brown on both sides. It was big during the dark days of rationing but now it's mostly made from fresh ingredients.

(4) French Fries.

(5) A Fried Slice of bread. Oh god now I'm hungry.

Friday, 2 January 2015

More Useful Stuff

More Useful Stuff

Is an English County in the West Midlands. It is part of the borderland that once sheltered the rest of the English from the rapacious and warlike Welsh - or possibly it was the other way round? No matter it as rural a County as it's possible to get in England without running into a Northerner or a distressed celt.

Some statistics...
Population: 183,000 and change...
Population Density: 84 people per km2 (3rd lowest in England)
Ethnicity: 97.1% White, 1.2% Asian, 0.8% Mixed, 0.4% Black, 0.3% Other and 0.2% Fae(1)

Herefordshire is famous for potholes, top quality beef, cider, being the inspiration to Edward Elgar(2) and, in a spurious attempt to link the place back to Rivers of London/Midnight Riot, the birthplace of actor David Garrick.

(1) Or possibly Aliens...
(2) Amongst other things he wrote Pomp and Circumstances which is known the UK as Land of Hope And Glory and thus causes British people to burst out laughing at American High School graduations(3)
(3) Some British people anyway.

The Glorious Twelfth
The 12th of August when grouse come into season and thousands of people tramp around the countryside banging away with shotguns. Unlike foxhunting you're supposed to eat what you kill and it's supposed to be enormous fun - although not, presumably, for the grouse.


noun: the vernacular

1. the language or dialect spoken by the ordinary people of a country or region. "he wrote in the vernacular to reach a larger audience"
synonyms: everyday language, spoken language, colloquial speech, native speech, conversational language, common parlance, non-standard language, jargon, -speak, cant, slang, idiom, argot, patois, dialect; regional language, local tongue, regionalism, localism, provincialism;
informallingo, local lingo, patter, geekspeak; rareidiolect
 "he wrote in the vernacular and adopted a non-academic style accessible to the public"

2. architecture concerned with domestic and functional rather than public or monumental buildings.
"buildings in which Gothic merged into farmhouse vernacular"

 3. what Ben Aaronovitch writes the Rivers of London books in...

Thursday, 1 January 2015

Raymond Erith

Raymond Erith

For better or for worse the dominant mode of architecture in the period following World War Two was 'modernism', buildings were square, roofs were flat and the comfort of the occupant a low priority compared to the expression of form and volume. If you want to know why this was the case then you can't do worse then read Tom Wolfe's From Bauhaus to Our House although some have pointed out that modernism has since been superseded by post-modernism(1).

Herefordshire Folly 1961
Raymond Charles Erith RA FRIBA (that's Fellow of the Royal Institute of British Architects to you peasant) was having none of that. 

While his contemporaries excited themselves with the patterns wooden forms made in concrete and dreamed of vast depersonalised plazas, walkways and swathes of plate glass Erith drew on the classical tradition to build homes and public buildings that evoked the past without slavishly copying it.

There is about his work a joie de vivre so noticeably lacking from the work of his peers. I dare you to look upon his Herefordshire Folly, with it's copper awnings and it's rooftop viewing platform, without at least a hint of a grin.

That said he shared many of the foibles of his more 'modern' contemporaries, a strange disregard for kitchens for one and a love for spiral staircases that can only be kindled in the heart of someone who's never had to manhandle a wardrobe up one of the bloody things.

(1) Which is like modernism but with sloping walls and curvey bits added.

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Useful Notes

Some Useful Stuff

British Floor Conventions
Are very simple - what the Americans call the First Floor is in fact the Ground Floor. The floor above that is the First Floor (which is the Second Floor in American). Above that floors are  numbered sequentially.

Joint Council for the Welfare of Immigrants
An organisation founded in 1967 to provide practical help for immigrants to the UK and to campaign for reform of the UK's immigration  policy.

General slang for Police Stations, sometimes on it's own 'Let's get back to the Nick' or used to identify a specific station - 'Let's get back to Leominster Nick.'

UKIP (UK Independence Party)
A political party founded in 1993 to campaign for the immediate withdrawl of the UK from the European Union. Beyond their central policy concern they also favour carvorting druids, death by stoning and dung for dinner(1)

 (1) Well maybe not although you never know...

Tuesday, 30 December 2014

Foxglove Summer: 7 Days to US Release

Foxglove Summer
Now in travel size for your convenience!
Available in the US of A in 7 days!

When two young girls go missing in rural Herefordshire, police constable and wizard-in-training Peter Grant is sent out of London to check that nothing supernatural is involved.

It’s purely routine—Nightingale, Peter’s superior, thinks he’ll be done in less than a day. But Peter’s never been one to walk away from someone in trouble, so when nothing overtly magical turns up he volunteers his services to the local police, who need all the help they can get. But because the universe likes a joke as much as the next sadistic megalomaniac, Peter soon comes to realize that dark secrets underlie the picturesque fields and villages of the countryside and there might just be work for Britain’s most junior wizard after all.

Soon Peter’s in a vicious race against time, in a world where the boundaries between reality and fairy have never been less clear….

Friday, 7 November 2014

Coming Soon - Now Updated

November - UPDATED!

Friday 7th
7.30 pm Criminal Masterminds, St Albans Lit Festival

Sunday 9th
2-3pm Wimborne Literary Festival

Monday 10th

1 - 2pm Forbidden Planet, London

6.30pm Waterstones Trafalger Square Talk with Kobna Holdbrook Smith

Tuesday 11th

1- 2pm Hatchards St Pancras Signing

And then obviously I get hustled straight onto a train.

7pm Nottingham Bridle Waterstones Solo Talk
1-5 Bridlesmith Gate, Nottingham, NG1 2GR

And also I'll be packing my toothbrush because...

Wednesday 12th 

1pm Leeds Waterstone signin
93-97 Albion Street, Leeds LS1 5JS

6.30pm Manchester Waterstones Solo Talk
91 Deansgate, Manchester M3 2BW

Thursday 13th

1pm Liverpool Waterstones signing
12 College Lane, Liverpool, Merseyside L1 3DL

And people say that being a writer isn't glamorous!

7.30pm Birmingham High Street Waterstones Solo Talk
 24-26 High Street, Birmingham, B2 4DB

Friday 14th  

Into the wild west midlands!

7pm Ledbury Books Solo Talk
Burgage Hall, Church Lane, Ledbury HR8 1DW

Saturday 15th

1 - 2pm Toppings Bath Solo Talk 

Sunday 30th November

2 - 3pm Reading and Signing at the London Museum of Water and Steam


Sunday 7th December

2 - 4pm, Solo Talk and Signing at Kingston Waterstones

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Something For The Weekend!

Ben Aaronovitch will be appearing this weekend in not one but, count 'em, two events.

The St Albans Literary Festival.
Details are here!

Dagnall Street Baptist Church
1 Cross Street
St Albans

At 7:30 PM on Friday the 7th of November 2014

Me, James 'Grantchester' Runcie and Leigh 'People's Book Prize' Russell

Because it's a no holds barred three way cage match between the subgenres, fantasy vs historical vs contemporary grimdark. The literary establishment only has room for one cross over genre in it's tiny little mind - so who shall it be!

The Wimborne Literary Festival
Details are here! 

Waterside Suite, Allendale Centre, Wimborne

Sunday the 9th November 2014 2:00 to 3:30pm

Me, Mitch Benn, Susanne McLeod and Sarah Pinborough

To see which one of us will break into profanity first, Mitch does it professionally, Ben does it on the radio, Sarah does it to shatter stereotypes and Susanne does it because the rest of us wont shut up!

Friday, 31 October 2014

My Ego Has Become Co-Terminous With The Known Universe
Rivers of London Selected as book for Cityread London 2015

Author's Ego Inflates to Size of Universe!

October 31st; in a shock Halloween announcement Cityread London have admitted that the novel Rivers of London by Ben Aaronovitch as their Cityread London book 2015. Neighbours were shocked when what they thought was an unexepected total eclipse turned out to be the author's ego obscuring the sun.

'We thought it was Ming the Merciless,' said Dora Reportersister (36) of Darlington. 'But it was just this huge ego.'

A UKIP spokesman said that this was exactly what happens when you allow unrestricted emigration from the Baltic states. "The first Aaronovitch's arrived in 1900 from Lithuania," said Chumley Throatwarbler UKIP's spokesman for random statements, "and they have been taking literary and intellectual jobs from British public schoolboys ever since."

Monday, 27 October 2014

The Home Crowd Advantage

The Home Crowd Advantage
Thanks to the city's diversity, there will be supporters from every Olympic nation.

Every athlete will have a home crowd.
Gold Medallist Denise Lewis during her speech
in support of the London 2012 bid.

We were a grumpy lot that summer of 2012.
There’s nothing the police like better than a good moan, but in the run-up to the Olympics the Met had raised its game to world beating levels. What with the pension thing, the fitness thing and the personnel cuts, we were feeling hard done by. And on top of that we had to handle Olympic security. I say “we” but my role, unofficially handed down from the Commissioner’s office, was to stay as far away from any Olympic venues as was consistent with my duties. I guess they were worried about property damage, what with Covent Garden burning down, the ambulance hijack, that business in Oxford Circus and the thing that happened in Kew that was totally not my fault.
When Nightingale was called north of the border to deal with an unspecified ‘situation’ in Aberdeen I found myself rattling around the Folly alone except for Molly – which is, believe me, much creepier than being alone by yourself. As a result, when the phone rang my response time was pretty much instantaneous.
‘Folly,’ I said and there was a short pause at the other end.
‘This is CCC, I’m looking for ECB9,’ said a female voice.
‘We used to be ECB9,’ I said. ‘But now we’re the SAU or SCD-fourteen.’
The operator sighed – the Met reorganises every three years or so – nobody can keep up. Not even the people who draw up the organisational flow charts.
‘Whoever you are now,’ she said. ‘I have a job for you.’
That was a surprise. The Folly has always operated on an informal word-of-mouth basis. Usually, when a senior officer on the spot thinks they may have a ‘situation’ which might benefit from some ‘specialist’ assistance they know to call us directly. As part of the Olympic readiness programme I had responded to a request to define the Folly’s operational parameters, to better facilitate a co-ordinated and timely response. But I never expected it to filter down to CCC.   
‘Are you sure?’ I asked.
‘You’re the guys who do magic right?’ asked the operator. She sounded testy.
‘Sort of,’ I said.
‘Then this is your shout,’ she said. ‘Green Lanes Shopping Park.’
The operator didn’t tell me much beyond the fact that ‘specialist’ assistance was required and that it was sierra-grade, urgent,  so I put my Kojak light on the roof and ‘made progress’ down the Essex Road in an attempt to arrive there in the same geological epoch as I started out. Half an hour later I turned into the access road of the shopping park to be met by blue tape, flashing lights and knots of uniforms standing around and trying to work out how this would improve their overtime pay.
I parked up beside an ambulance that was idling with its back doors open. Inside, a man in a hard hat and high-viz jacket was having his hands bandaged by the paramedic. A tall, spare, athletic white woman with a beaky nose and skipper’s tabs introduced herself as Sergeant Warwick. She didn’t look that pleased to see me.
 ‘Are you it?’ she asked after looking me up and down.
‘Yes, sarge,’ I said. ‘What were you hoping for?’
‘To be honest,’ she said, ‘someone a bit less cheeky.’
Green Lanes Shopping Park used to be the location of the famous Haringay Arena where, back in the old days, they used to show everything from ice hockey to the Moscow State Circus. Paul Robeson sang there in 1949 and Billy Graham launched his first British crusade. With a rich history like that there was nothing to be done except flatten it and replace it with a shopping arcade designed in the who-the-fuck-cares school of retail architecture. The result was a two storey warehouse with a flat roof designed to maximise floor space and nothing else. The corner unit was occupied by a Costa Coffee sandwiched between a Fitness First and Dreams: Britain’s Leading Bed Specialist.
            At approximately quarter past two on this particular day a well-dressed IC1 male in his late sixties, possibly older, entered the shop, approached the counter and proceeded to shout at the members of staff in what they thought was probably French. The staff had been given clear instructions on how to deal with such situations, although none of them could remember what these were. Instead, one of them asked the man to leave while a second called the police. It might have been a winning strategy if another customer, presumably impatient for his coffee, had not intervened to remonstrate with the suspect – going so far as to grab the old man’s arm.
            ‘That’s when fire came out his hands,’ said Matilda Stümpel, student and part-time barista. ‘His hands didn’t catch fire,’ she gave Sergeant Warwick a poisonous look. ‘It was like a ball of fire, okay?’ She nodded at me. ‘He believes me,’ she said to Warwick, which was true.
            ‘Can I see your phone?’ I asked her.
            She was reluctant to give it up, but handed it over. ‘It’s stopped working anyway,’ she said.
            I cracked it open and wasn’t surprised to find that the phone’s chip-set had been reduced to a fine brownish powder.
            ‘That was brand new,’ said Matilda Stümpel as I dropped the phone, and as much of the powder as I could catch, into an evidence bag. ‘Am I going to get that back?’
            I told her it was unlikely.
            I didn’t bother with the guy who had his hands burnt, Warwick had his details and the paramedic wanted to take him to Casualty. So I went off to meet the two uniforms who’d attended the scene first.
            ‘So you arrived on the scene?’ I asked.
            ‘That’s right,’ said the large talkative one. His colleague was small, balding but with unusually big hands with which he gestured rather than talking.
            ‘You went into the coffee shop and approached the suspect?’
            ‘The way you do,’ said the talkative one while his colleague nodded agreement.
            ‘And then you turned round and left the premises?’
            ‘That’s right.’
            ‘Any particular reason?’
            ‘We thought,’ said the talkative one, ‘that it was time for a break.’ His colleague made a palms-up gesture as if to say – what can you do?
            ‘Did you just decide that, or did the suspect say something first?’
            ‘He said we should go and get a cup of coffee,’ said the talkative one while his partner mimed drinking from a cup with a saucer.
            ‘So you left?’
            ‘To get some coffee?’
            ‘Despite the fact that you were already in a coffee shop?’
            The quiet one slowly shook his head at my inability to grasp the obvious. ‘We had to,’ he said in surprisingly deep baritone. ‘All the baristas had run outside.’
            ‘It’s like hypnotism,’ I told Warwick, after the two had been dispatched off to drink more coffee. But Warwick wasn’t buying.
            ‘Hypnotism doesn’t work like that,’ she said.
            ‘And that’s the way it’s not like hypnotism,’ I said. ‘He’s definitely on his own in there?’
            ‘Everyone in the shop has been accounted for,’ said Warwick.
            ‘I’d better go get him, then,’ I said.
            ‘Are you sure you want to do that?’
            ‘It’s that or we call in CO19 and have them shoot him.’
            ‘Don’t be stupid, that’s out of the question I couldn’t possibly authorise that,’ she said. ‘CO19 are all on standby for the games. We’d never get them up here.’
Your Metvest comes in the two basic flavours, the one with plain white cover for wearing under your jacket and the one you get when you pass out of Hendon which is blue, has Police in nice reflective letters front and back, and lots of useful pockets and clips. Strictly speaking, now that I’m plainclothes I should have traded that one in for the plain cover, but it’s often useful when you’re on a job to look as much like a copper as possible. So I keep it in the emergency bag in the back of my Ford Asbo along with other bits of kit from my uniform days, plus a couple of things I’ve added especially for ‘special’ jobs. I put on the duty belt and taser as well, and loaded up with all the kit I had in the bag. I didn’t think I was going to need my notebook or the airwave radio, but members of the public are so used to us waddling around like Batman’s fat younger brother that they often don’t  register what we are carrying – that can be useful.
            ‘I’ve called for another ambulance,’ said Warwick. ‘Just to be on the safe side.’
            There’s a comfort, I thought, and started the long walk across the strip of car park to the front of the Costa Coffee. Once the initial excitement of transgression has faded, people are often keen to see a return to order. That’s why they like to see a uniformed police officer. Even the criminals. And sometimes, – if things have escalated out of control and you’re looking at somebody’s dear old mum down the other end of your shotgun and two to six years with good behaviour is ratchetting up to life with a recommendation of thirty years minimum and your face on the front cover of a tabloid – especially the criminals.
            That’s when the uniform comes in handy. That and the ability to walk towards an incident projecting an air of quiet confidence and blokey no nonsense don’t-worry-there’s-nothing-we-can’t-sort-out-ness, when what you really want to do is hide behind a riot shield.
            After all that, the suspect wasn’t even visible when I arrived at the shop doorway. There was only the one room, tables on the left, nooks and sofas on the right. A couple of chairs had gone over in the customers’ scramble for the exit and I could smell coffee soaking into the carpet. My mum hates coffee stains. She says you never get them, out not even with the industrial strength solvent she buys under the counter at the cleaning wholesaler.
            I stepped slowly into the shop.
            ‘Hello, police,’ I said loudly, ‘Is there anyone in here?’
            ‘Your friends are probably waiting for you outside,’ said a voice from behind the counter. ‘Why don’t you go join them?’
            Since I became an apprentice, everybody – and I mean everybody – with the slightest bit of magical potential in London has tried to put the glamour on me. I’ve built up an immunity.
            ‘That’s not going to work,’ I said. ‘Sorry.’
            Merde,’ said the voice. ‘In that case would you like a cup of coffee?’
            ‘Yes please,’ I said.
            ‘So would I,’ said the voice. ‘Do you know how to work one of these machines?’
            ‘I’ll give it a go,’ I said. ‘I’m going to walk around the counter now – if that’s okay with you?’
            ‘If you can make a cup of coffee you can do what you like.’
            I walked slowly and non-threateningly around the counter and got my first look.
            He was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, out of the line of sight for any possible sniper, but with a good view of the sides should someone try to flank him. Short, I thought, although it was hard to tell with him sitting down. Definitely seventies plus with thin grey hair cut in a side parting, blue eyes and a narrow face that had avoided jowls by not having enough spare flesh to droop.
            I introduced myself.
            ‘Antonin Bobet,’ said the man. ‘Who trained you?’
            ‘Nightingale,’ I said.
            ‘Thomas Nightingale?’ said Antonin. ‘He’s not dead?’
            ‘Not as far as I can tell,’ I said. ‘Do you know him?’
            ‘Are you going to make me wait much longer for the coffee?’ asked Antonin.
            I’ve always preferred ye olde greasy spoon to chain coffee shops but my dad, who had largely misspent his youth in the espresso bars of Soho, made sure I knew how to use a moka pot and the principles are the same as on the big commercial coffee machines – sort of.
            Antonin, I noticed, shuffled sideways to stay out of convenient lunging range and was careful to keep an eye on me as I made two espressos.
            ‘Both of them without milk,’ said Antonin, as I reached for steam nozzle.
            I asked if he wanted sugar but he declined and instructed me to sit on the floor with my back to the counter and place his coffee on the floor between us.
            ‘Using only your left hand,’ he said.
            More than a metre separated us and I had to stretch awkwardly to place the cup within his reach. I also managed to spill half my own coffee and spent an entertaining minute or so wiping it off my Metvest and duty belt.
            Antonin waited politely for me to finish rearranging myself before sipping his coffee.
            ‘Not bad,’ he said.
            I sipped mine. The longer people sit around being calm and civilised, the harder it is for them to become uncivilised later – it’s just too much effort. The rule of thumb is that if you keep them talking for over twenty minutes you can usually walk away without the use of force. Usually.
            ‘Who trained you?’ I asked.
            ‘Maurice Guillaume,’ he said. ‘Not that you know him of course.’
            ‘He was your master?’
            This amused Antonin.
            ‘How archaic,’ he said. ‘Maurice was my professeur at the Academy. Do you call Nightingale “master”?’
            ‘Not if I can help it,’ I said.
            ‘Why not?’
            ‘Too much history,’ I said.
            Antonin nodded.
            ‘That I can understand,’ he said, but I doubted it.
            ‘Well Monsieur Bobet,’ I said. ‘Let’s talk about how we get out of this situation.’
            ‘Do you think Nightingale will be here soon?’
            ‘He’s out of the city,’ I said. ‘Is it important?’
 ‘I killed a man,’ said Antonin. ‘On this very spot, I think, or at least quite close to here. I did it in 1948 so I think Nightingale may be a little more interested in the case than you. History, you understand.’
‘I’m interested in history,’ I said. ‘Why don’t you tell me what happened.’
‘Why would a young man like you be interested in history?’
‘So I can avoid repeating it.’
‘Then stay away from men who talk about the fatherland,’ he said. ‘That’s my advice.’
            ‘Good advice.’
‘How far out of the city is Nightingale?’ he asked.
I shrugged and offered to make another coffee.
‘You can stay where you are,’ he said. ‘And I’ll tell you a story.’
They do things differently in France, apparently, even in the wacky way-back days of the Third Republic. Antonin Bobet was from an old family in Lyon and had been selected, aged fourteen, to attend the Academy in Paris where he learnt the forms and wisdoms.
‘In Latin?’ I had to ask.
‘The forms, yes,’ said Antonin. ‘The wisdoms were all in French.’
And it was all properly exam based and meritocratic and if certain old family names, like Bobet for example, turned up with unusual frequency in the rolls, then that was merely an assurance that quality and tradition were being maintained.
‘Some of us valued our traditions,’ said Antonin. ‘Others wanted to be modern.’
‘What about your Professor?’ I asked.
‘He was a Parisian,’ he said. ‘You can never be sure what Parisians believe in – beyond Paris of course.’
It was all a lot like the Folly as far as I could tell, including the point where it all came crashing down in 1940. Not that everyone thought the fall of the Third Republic was a bad thing – even if it had taken a German invasion to do it.
‘After the Armistice we all made our choices,’ said Antonin. ‘I chose Petain and Professeur Guillaume chose De Gaulle.’
Antonin didn’t elaborate as to his days working for the collaborationist Vichy Government except to claim, unprompted, that somebody had to ensure some continuity to ensure that the French state survived the war. Which it did in no small part, according to Antonin, thanks to the efforts of someone called Jean Bichelonne and people like Antonin.
‘Not that any of this mattered to the Gaullists and Communists,’ said Antonin. The resistance took a perversely dim view of collaborators and things might have gone very badly for him after the war if not for the timely intervention of his old professor. ‘He said that purging me would be a waste of material.’
Which was why, in the summer of 1948, when Professor Guillaume told him they were travelling to London in ‘support’ of the French Olympic team, Antonin didn’t ask what on earth kind of ‘support’ they were supposed to provide.
‘You know what the terrible thing about the English is?’ asked Antonin. ‘You never do what is expected of you. Your city was in ruins, your people barely had enough to eat, your government was bankrupt and you think it’s a good idea to hold the Olympics – unbelievable.’ So Antonin had not been expecting much in the way of hospitality and he wasn’t disappointed.
‘And I’m not even going to talk about the food,’ he said.
‘Thank you for not bringing that up,’ I said and he gave me a sharp look.
            Professor Guillaume’s plan was to ‘help’ the French basketball team to victory.
            ‘How was he going to do that?’ I asked.
            ‘He was going to make their opponent’s feet heavy,’ said Antonin. He didn’t know the details of the spell because he had strictly been the lookout man and, if necessary, the getaway driver. They had made their preparations and were about to leave for the first game – France versus Iran – when they received a visitor at their hotel.
            ‘It was your ‘master’,’ said Antonin. ‘Nightingale.’
            ‘And he warned you off?’
            Antonin made a puffing nose. ‘Nothing so obvious or indiscreet. He merely welcomed us to London and hoped that we would enjoy the games in the spirit of fraternal brotherhood and fair play that were the true Olympic ideals.’
            ‘So he warned you off?’
            ‘He warned us off.’ And they stayed warned off because Nightingale was famous by that point as the most dangerous wizard in Europe. This did not sit well with Professor Guillaume, but what could they do? Things probably would have been left that way had not the French basketball team, buoyed up by emergency meat supplies from the Fatherland, managed to fight their way to the semi-finals where they beat Brazil 45 to 33 to face the Americans in the final.
            This was too much for Professor Guillaume who resented the Americans almost as much as he resented the English. They knew that the Folly had been decimated at Ettersberg, so they decided to take a chance that Nightingale would be otherwise engaged and sneak into the Haringay Arena to carry out their original plan.
            The arena had originally been built as an ice hockey rink and so they set up in the machine room. It was there, amongst the pipes and compressors, that Antonin had his change of heart.
            ‘I said that I didn’t think what we were doing was right. The Americans had been our allies and this was a violation of the Olympic spirit,’ said Antonin. Professor Guillaume didn’t take this well.
            ‘He said he should have expected as much from a collaborationist like me and that I should have had my head shaved like the German-loving whore I was,’ said Antonin. ‘I told him that I didn’t think it was right to be so petty to our allies and that it was unsportsmanlike. This he found very funny. “Unsportsmanlike,” he shouted. “This is for France, what does France care for sportsmanlike?” He raised his hand to me.’ Antonin shook his head. ‘So I struck him with the pushing spell – I don’t know what you call it in English – and down he went.’
            And never got up again, on account of having smacked his head against a pipe on the way down. Antonin quickly determined that his Professor was permanently dead and then considered his next move.
            ‘Letting France lose at basketball was one thing,’ he said. ‘Having her and the Academy disgraced by a murder investigation and trial was something else entirely.’
            Antonin used a spell, ironically taught to him by Professor Guillaume, to bury the poor man around the back of arena and then caught the first boat-train back to Paris. When he reported in he was told that the mission had been unauthorised and that he had saved the French state an inquiry.
            ‘Just like that?’ I asked.
            ‘Just like that,’ said Antonin. Although it was made clear that it might be wise for him to take up a quiet life in the provinces somewhere. ‘I went back to my family in Lyon,’ he said.
            Because I knew Nightingale would want to know, I made sure I asked what had happened to the Academy.
            ‘They made the wrong choice after the Algerian Referendum,’ he said. And consequently they were re-organised out of existence in 1965.
            ‘So why are you here?’ I asked.
            ‘Apart from the coffee?’ asked Antonin. ‘I did a wrong thing sixty years ago and I thought it would be right to give Nightingale the chance to arrest me.’
            That explained his overt use of magic in the coffee shop – he was looking to attract Nightingale’s attention.
            ‘You could have phoned ahead,’ I said. ‘We would have met you at the station.’
            ‘I felt it was fitting that we met here at the scene of the crime,’ said Antonin. ‘Man against man, magic against magic – the way they used to settle things in the old days.’
            ‘Wait,’ I said. ‘Are we talking about a duel – a magic duel?’
            ‘Of course,’ said Antonin. ‘Better than dying in hospital – no?’
            Oh great, I thought, suicide by cop.
            ‘I don’t see why you have to wait for Nightingale,’ I said. ‘I’m perfectly capable of upholding the honour of my country.’
            ‘Please,’ said Antonin. ‘You’re still a boy.’
            ‘I think that was an insult,’ I said. ‘At the very least I think I’m going to have to make you prove that you’re worth Nightingale’s time.’
            ‘If you insist,’ said Antonin.
            ‘Are there rules?’
            ‘No gods, no staffs, first man to stay down for the count loses and we suspend the contest if the building collapses.’
            I took a deep breath and prepared myself.
            ‘Very well,’ I said. ‘On the count of three?’
            ‘That seems reasonable,’ said Antonin. ‘Although we could still wait for Nightingale.’
            ‘No, I don’t want to miss the opening ceremony on TV,’ I said. ‘Ready?’
            ‘Yes,’ he said.
            ‘One,’ I said and shot him with the taser.
            Like I said, people don’t notice half the kit hanging off your Metvest and I’d placed it out of sight by my leg when I’d spilt my coffee. I had him cuffed before he stopped twitching, but in deference to his age I did it with his hands in front.
We ambulanced him back to UCH where Dr Walid stuck Antonin’s head in the MRI and kept him lightly sedated while we waited for Nightingale to arrive. I’m getting quite good at interpreting the grey smudges as they appear on the screen, and I’ve got to say it didn’t look good for Antonin Bobet.
            ‘Hyperthaumaturgical Necrosis,’ said Dr Walid. ‘He wouldn’t have lasted long – you definitely saved his life.’
            ‘Fair play,’ he spat at me when I brought him lunch. ‘You call electrocuting me fair play?’
            I didn’t bother to answer that, but I did apologise for the quality of the food.
            Nightingale returned and spent a morning chatting while I caught up with the paper work and squared the incident with Haringay Borough Command. I made a point of calling Sergeant Warwick personally to thank her for her help – always useful to build contacts.
A very polite man from the French Embassy turned up that afternoon, shook our hands and assured us that if we could see our way to allowing the French Government to repatriate their wayward son they would consider it a great favour.
            ‘We only have his word for it that he killed Professor Guillaume and I’m not sure what purpose would be served by excavating Green Park Shopping Centre,’ said Nightingale. ‘And it’s not as if he has much time left.’
            So we put the question to Antonin, who chose repatriation.
            ‘At least the food will be better,’ he said and I couldn’t argue with that.